Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.