Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert