A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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Missed opportunity: Who decided to call it “possession of marijuana” instead of “joint custody”?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did
What exactly does BYOB mean?
“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.