Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
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Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
my favorite genre of twitter
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires