Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.