Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
my dog when i have a friend over
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice