Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car