Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

🙄😏😂🤣

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.