Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
LA today:
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.