Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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Two types of dogs.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!