Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*