Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich