Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!