Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
when mom throws a party…
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.