Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Lmfaoooooo
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Never let them know your next move 😂
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.