Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.