imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
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This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?