imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
You Might Also Like
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Worst Native American name ever.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
