imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
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A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
found a horse’s reddit account
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?