Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours