Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
You Might Also Like
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
Finally, an explanation.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.