Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Dead sexy!!
Simple
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I need to sieze this.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.