Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad