Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.