Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
o shit
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*