Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
went fishing caught a bass
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby