Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
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Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.