Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
High school teachers: your college professors won鈥檛 be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
(Electricians.)
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let鈥檚 name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
