Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
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Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.