Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
