Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.