Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Not😆🤣
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.