Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me logging onto twitter
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
im all 3
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…