Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

titanic

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else