Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

I might carry a baby with one hand.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem