Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
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My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…