Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
You Might Also Like
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Good morning
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look