Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.