Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

Trumpy Cat

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*