Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.