Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
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My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Nice try, poison.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?