Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Snapes on a plane.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too