Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
roses are red
i fall when i skate
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.