Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101