Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Today’s Times

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.