Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.