imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
#oldknees
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?