Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

How all things should be taught/explained.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

I really had high hopes for this year though

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.