Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Why am I like this?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
selfie game
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM