Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Mornin

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

Guantanamo Bae

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.