Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon