@dumbbeezie
@awkwardphilippe Is your wife single?
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@awkwardphilippe 
@AmericanGent69 {at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
@capnwatsisname [doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
@KickSumHunibuns [tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
@_little_old_me *deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
@_Mo_lee_ “Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
@WilliamAder They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
@TheBoydP It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
@YourMomsucksTho I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
@Home_Halfway Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.