Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

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I’m looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga


Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.


*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell


[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no


Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”


Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.


“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.


11: I will avenge your death

Me: nobody’s killed me

11: well when someone does


My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.


My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.