@dumbbeezie

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

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@AmericanGent69

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

@KickSumHunibuns

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

@_Mo_lee_

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

@TheBoydP

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

@Home_Halfway

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.