Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*