Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
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*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.