Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
quarantine day 3
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
This billboard speaks to me
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Risking my life for fun.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
