Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
