Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
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Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
New menu item
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet