Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
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Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I bet
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.