Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”