Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

I just ran a .003048K

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?