Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes