Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.