Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

You got this…