Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
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TRAIN’S HERE
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Beauty and the Beast
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?