Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
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Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
much to think about
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
cry laughing at this shit
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.