imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%