imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.