imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
it’s not been my year
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.